Why I hate myself

I dont exactly hate myself, well not all the time it is usually down to how I am feeling at the time. We have all had those moments where we dont feel 100% or like we dont matter despite the fact we really do all matter. The reason I am writing this is for my own benifit, I find it hard to explain how I feel when speaking that is if I can actually get round to telling people how I feel. This is mostly because I feel I am bothering them even though I know I would do the same for them and not care. When I type I dont feel like I am speaking to anyone I just feel like I am making notes and therefore feel more free to describe how I feel.

I have moments where I over think everything I like to think we all do and that its something that everyone has to deal with. I feel down or unhappy despite trying not to show it, I keep on pretending to be happy or like I am ok with whats going on. I am a hypocrite sometimes as I tell people to let others know how they feel and do what makes them happy, the advice I give are the ones I should follow. I write this not knowing if I will even publish it and what the reaction will be if it is read.

I try to keep an open mind and be open to everything but sometimes I feel I would benifit more if I was more selfish. This sounds like I am saying I am an amazing person that of which I know I am not, but neither am I a terrible person or at least I would like to think not. I have hurt people before and I dont like that thought, we have all hurt someone whether we know it or not we all for the most part try and be better people.

That is why I hate myself, some of the time, I feel I dont/cant do enough and its my fault that I should be better, stronger, dealt with the situation differently but I didnt. I did what I did I cant change that and all I can do is move on and try and be a better person. I want to make people happy no matter the cost the problem being I dont always think about what makes me happy, I know people I would be happy with but they would not be happy with me thats not their fault or something I should feel sad about I should be happy I get the chance to know them and be friends with them.

In conclusion it is hard, it is tough but keep at it and talk to people. I will keep pestering people and trying to appear happy cause I dont want to bother people, but there are that few who I will tell how I feel and whether they make suggestions or are just there for me both of which help. If you think someone may feel like this dont treat them differently, dont try and tell them what to do just be there and in time people will talk and explain things.

Everything will be ok and to quote Queen

'It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust,
Friends will be friends,
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention,
Friends will be friends,
When you're through with life and all hope is lost,
Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends right till the end '